shoesonwrong

And that was how we discovered the cats like to make weird trash scupltures for us to find.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:45:00 -0500

Me: Why is there a teabag on top of an apple core sitting on the windowsill?

Ryan: I feel like your jokes are getting more obscure.

I used to babysit a toddler who went apeshit for Bear in the Big...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:04:00 -0500

I used to babysit a toddler who went apeshit for Bear in the Big Blue House, and the show still holds a special place in my heart — especially the original run of the show. My favorite thing about it is Bear himself. Around the time I was babysitting the toddler, my (much older) cousins started having kids who also loved Bear in the Big Blue House. They would watch it everywhere they went, including at my grandparent’s house.

My grandpa developed an attachment to Bear as well, and found himself a stuffed Bear somewhere and kept it on the table beside his chair in the living room. The best part was that my grandpa, normally a kind and generous man who would give you the shirt off his back, was oddly protective of his Bear. He didn’t want sticky, grabby little fingers on it. I remember watching on more than once in amusement as he firmly held Bear while some little kid in front of him bawled over not being allowed to hold it. My grandmother would say, “Dean! Let them hold the bear!” And he’d say, “Joan, it’s MY BEAR.” I think they eventually bought a second one or something, but one of my favorite memories of my grandpa is him being all, “IT’S MY BEAR.”

Also, this picture doesn’t show it well, but Bear is packing some serious junk in the ursine trunk. He’s got a giant wobbly ass that’s disproportionately large compared to his upper half. He’s like fucking Pear in the Big Blue House.

What’s the medical term for when your vagina finds a...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:53:11 -0500

What’s the medical term for when your vagina finds a needle and thread and sews itself shut?

[via blatino]

"Like many Americans, I’m very concerned about the efforts underway to rush through the 2,000 page..."

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:03:08 -0500

“Like many Americans, I’m very concerned about the efforts underway to rush through the 2,000 page Pelosi health care bill this weekend. Why the rush? That’s a lot of pages to read.”

- Sarah Palin’s Facebook note, written yesterday morning.

I think it’s cute when she pretends she can read.

Hey, I'm not very nice today. Want to be shit-starty with me?

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:48:00 -0500

I’m at the movie theater and I get a small popcorn, which I have to butter and salt myself because paying five dollars for it wasn’t enough. There are four “butter sauce” dispensing machines, two to either side of the cash registers. I’m standing at one that is apparently not a faux-butter dispenser but instead some sort of horrible grease geyser that sprays the side of my tiny popcorn container, my hand, and my pants without actually touching a single kernel of popcorn. It’s astounding, really — if I weren’t all greased up in a movie theater, I would probably see the marvel of engineering that it took to create this exact scenario. So I’m attempting to towel myself and the outside of my food off using paper napkins, when I notice a woman standing uncomfortably close to my side. I figure she’s probably just using the other machine, since she’s not saying anything to me, and then go back to trying to mop up grease with dignity and grace.

Suddenly, some bitch behinds me says, in a voice shrill enough to make my non-existent testicles pull into my body, “It’s as if she doesn’t even KNOW the other machine is EMPTY and we’re all waiting.” I sort of ignore her because, well, I’m moping up fucking butter-flavored motor oil from both myself and the surface in front of me. There’s like, three other machines in the place and it’s not that busy. After she repeats herself and nudges me a bit, I look up and turn bright red when I realize that a crowd of flannel-clad Midwesterners have gathered around me to sigh impatiently that they cannot get extra calories on their popcorn THIS VERY INSTANT. Apparently, the machine beside me ran out just after I started using the machine from hell. I glance frantically over at the other two dispensers on the other side of the cash registers. EMPTY. They’re completely empty, but no one wants to take ten seconds and walk fifteen goddamn feet.

I am doing the best I can, here. I just want to get my popcorn with some “butter” and go watch Men Who Stare At Goats without sliding out of my seat. I’m clearly flustered and just trying to do my best. Had ONE person said something even close to, “Hey, this machine’s empty, can I use that one?” I would have gladly moved aside. The reason I am still standing here is because I thought, hey there are three other machines and I should clean up around this one because it’s all greasy and I’m all greasy and I still need butter anyway.

But no. I get boxed in by a very large man, a pissy teen, and some giant bitch who just mumbles passive aggressive things. I whirl around and say, “Oh, I’m sorry, do you need this?” The woman, who was so vocal a moment ago just glares at me and sighs.

I’m not the bigger person, though. I’m a teeny tiny person because I say, “Well, I’m still using it. Too bad nobody asked for it.”

Two minutes later when I’m done, she’s still waiting, still glaring, and hadn’t bothered to haul her ass over to the other dispensers.

As always, my desperate need to be included pops up. I like to...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:06:00 -0500

As always, my desperate need to be included pops up. I like to think I’m cuddling with zolora and Daniel.

If you get this, I do not judge you. I merely share in your...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:33:00 -0500

If you get this, I do not judge you. I merely share in your shame.

(biorhythmist: anderrhea)

No San Francisco for me, either.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:13:00 -0500

malackey:

shoesonwrong:

yhf:

shoesonwrong:

[snip]

I hope to meet a lot of you eventually, but it just won’t be this January.

If you’ll stop setting it aflame every few tweets, maybe some of us can come to Detroit.

I know. Telling people about not coming to San Francisco upset me so much, I started a small trashcan fire. But I think I can get it under control. With the help of several firemen. Several dozen firemen.

Okay, I think now is when we need to start evacuating people.

On the other hand, you have single handedly tripled the property values downtown by getting rid of all those abandoned buildings before they became crack dens.

Come on. Even if I take care of the little potential crack dens, they’re just going to set up shop on those dozens of empty floors in the GM Ren Cen, the half empty Chase building, or that abandoned skyscraper across from Campus Martius.

Wow, I am not selling this place.

COME SEE SUNNY DOWNTOWN DETROIT!

Michael knows me inside my soul.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:07:00 -0500

Ryan the Temp: Are you scared?

Michael Scott: Never. About what? A little. What are you talking about?

Also regarding not going to San Francisco in January: I think it would be pretty fantastic if I could RENT A FUCKING CAR next time I fly somewhere for vacation.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:22:00 -0500

Six months to twenty-five, then I can wreck all the rental cars I want, baby.

No San Francisco for me, either.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:17:00 -0500

What with Theresa buying her tickets and Guille delivering his bad news, I thought I’d just put my news out there, too.

Medical bills this year have been completely insane. Insane enough that we just don’t have the money for a week-long trip (we were actually hoping for two weeks) to San Francisco in January. I know the tweetup is only one day, but San Francisco is where Ryan and I went on our honeymoon just over five years ago. We haven’t been back since, and we wanted to make a vacation out of it.

To boot, the dev team Ryan’s working with will be rolling out a major software release about a week after the San Francisco tweetup, which means lots and lots of overtime being put in and possibly having to work weekends prior to the release. Even if money wasn’t an issue, time probably will be.

I could fly out by myself for a few days, but that’s not happening for a couple reasons: first, San Francisco is a really special place to me and Ryan, and I want to go back with him. Second, the tweetup is the day before his birthday. I’m not going to go to San Francisco, without him, over his birthday.

I hope to meet a lot of you eventually, but it just won’t be this January.

Why is Jesus hanging out with Darth Maul and that guy from...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:48:00 -0500

Why is Jesus hanging out with Darth Maul and that guy from 90210?

(via brienis: newnoisethriller: chupetaexplosiva)

Happy birthday, Rachel! I felt like now was the time to reveal...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:36:00 -0500

Happy birthday, Rachel! I felt like now was the time to reveal my true feelings. (It won’t allow a true embed, so you’ll have to click through. Sorry.)

(Also, happy birthday Kat and @moltz! Though I hope you had happy birthdays, this video is not for you. I don’t feel we’re in an “I Touch Myself” place yet.)

I'm watching this ill-advised Top Chef reunion show. It's horrible. All the shit-startiest former contestants are on it, they're sitting around eating dinner together, and they're fighting about Top Chef dramatic moments.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:16:00 -0500

If I wanted to watch people fight while they eat, I would go to Grandma’s Christmas dinner, NOW WOULDN’T I?

The skin on my nose is, like, falling off because it's dry. I think I have nose mange. That's a thing, right?

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:04:00 -0500

OH HAI WINTER AIR.

You seriously don't even want to know the scars I have from curling irons. I had to go to the doctor and wear a patch after I tried to put on eyeliner for the first time. Being a teenager was rough.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:12:00 -0500

No, seriously, I was accident-prone. This scar on my chin (the...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:08:00 -0500

No, seriously, I was accident-prone. This scar on my chin (the monkey face really brings it out) is the first time I remember being questioned by the authorities in a hospital room without my parents. (It happened multiple times.) They had to ask me a bunch of questions to verify I wasn’t being abused at home.

What happened was this: I was six years old, and I was sitting in a recliner with the foot rest up. I decided to try and climb out of the chair without lowering the foot rest, and in doing so, I became tangled up and fell. My small body was still enough weight to flip the chair over on top of me and smash my face into the (sharp) corner of a coffee table.

I burned most of the skin off the back of my hand three times before I turned eighteen: wood stove, cooking stove, motorcycle tail pipe. One time, in Denver, I walked into a low-hanging steel bar and knocked myself out cold. I sliced the back of my neck open with my own ski. I ran (RAN, at full speed) into a column at the local shopping mall because I was excited and looking the other way. I jumped (on accident) out of a ski lift when I was four and the paramedic guys had to put me on one of those boards and ski me down the slope. I was so top heavy as a toddler, my father went to tug up on my drooping pants (diaper butt causes this) and he lifted me a little bit off the ground — just enough for my enormous head and torso to swing around and land face first on the concrete.

My head has a magnetic attraction to heavy, sharp, and burny things. Future mothers of the world: hope you don’t get one like me. It will cost you a fortune in medical bills. Plus, I think I was probably born with a genius IQ in order for me to just have a normal, functioning one now after all the head trauma.

As I’ve mentioned on here previously, I was an accident...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:53:28 -0500

As I’ve mentioned on here previously, I was an accident prone kid. Here’s me sporting a Mr. Rogers sweater and a shiner. I tried to find one of my tooth that was broken and turned a horrible green-grey color after I slammed my face into the floor, but there weren’t any in my Flickr account. Lucky you. (It’s kind of gross looking.)

funsizebytes: Seriously, never forget. Whoever did that to her...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:25:00 -0500

funsizebytes:

Seriously, never forget.

Whoever did that to her should have genitals burned off.

I highly recommend this Natalie Portman -bald Google Image Search as a chaser.

First, bald can be beautiful. She has striking features, and the hair brings attention to them. Granted, her ears seem a little bigger, but not like, elfin or something.

Second, she’s still on my shit list over the whole supporting Polanski thing.

I'm married to Dwight, from The Office, and he wants to have sex. I'm a bit hesitant to do it, but I'm also sort of like, "Well, I married him so maybe?" The he morphs into Chuck Bass from that Gossip Girl show, and I'm happy. Unfortunately, before Chuck and I could have relations, he shifts again, turning into Seth Rogen. I start beating on Seth Rogen screaming at him that I, "Won't stop until he stops his fucking frat boy schtick and makes a grown up movie."

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:26:00 -0500

If I beat the crap out of Seth Rogen, I probably would have killed Zach Braff.